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Coming, going, processing...


I’ve left many places.

Yes, I’ve also gone many places, but it’s the leaving that’s significant right now.

Most recently, I left Los Angeles for an indefinite amount of time. I’m currently in the mountains of Colorado in a place that’s felt the most like home than any other place (since leaving my parents’ house when I was 16).

I cried like a baby when I left L.A. It really confused me. I’ve never bawled when leaving a place. I’ve always been either ready to leave the old place or more excited to arrive in the new place.

For the first time in my conscious memory, I was more sad about leaving Los Angeles than I was excited about arriving in Colorado. That’s when I realized how at home I felt where I was living, with the people from whom I was renting. It was a good lesson for me.

I’ve gotten good at making wherever I am “home” for me, since I’ve been on the move so much in the past 12 years. I didn’t realize that the traditional version of “home”--a house with dogs and loving relationships--is something that I value in my life.

Who knew?

I haven’t been able to process all of the emotions I’ve felt since leaving L.A. I’ve been struggling to have a good night’s sleep. I treated a friend of mine poorly, someone I really admire and care about. I’ve been frustrated. And I don’t really know how to process what I need to process (or what it is I need to process in the first place).

What I want is to cry in someone’s arms and be told it will all be okay. I want someone to hear me and listen to me as I spill everything from my head, no matter how ridiculous, and to know that I don’t necessarily feel the way I say I feel--I’m just processing.

But instead of asking someone to do that for me or telling my friends that are here with me about my needs, I’ve been imploding slightly. And sometimes I’m tempted to feel stupid and embarrassed about what I want or need, so I try to ignore them.

This experience is teaching me a lot about myself and how I handle situations. It’s showing me that I can still be immature at times. It’s forcing me to finally admit the needs that I’ve tried to ignore. It’s tough, but it’s necessary. And I’m grateful for the process, because I’ll only come out of it more clear about who I am.

In the moment, though, it can be tough.

I just want to love and be loved and (more importantly) be a person whose interactions aren’t interfered with by her personal struggles. Is that something that’s possible and attainable? I hope so. In theory, anything is possible.

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©2020 by The Wandering Swami