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S-I-N-G-L-E-E-E-E-E-E-E--Do You Know What That Means?


Ah, the single life.

I’ve been single for about nine years now. And by single, I mean S I N G L E. I’ve been on two-and-a-half dates and “gotten lucky” zero times. (To be fair, I haven’t made any efforts to “get lucky.”)

For a while, I would ask myself, what is wrong with me? Why don’t guys like me?

And then I wondered, “What is it that I need to learn so that I can be open and available for whoever likes me?”

That was followed by, “Why would I want to be anything OTHER than single?? This is the BEST (except for the lack of cuddles)!”

And now, the questions that fly around my head are, “Is there even a man out there who can handle how fiercely independent I am? Who loves me because of my independence? Who doesn’t need me to need him like some girls would? Who digs me enough to be patient with me while I learn how to let someone else take care of me and share in life’s responsibilities?”

When you’ve been single for nine years, being patient can be difficult.

There was one guy at one point whom I thought might be able/want to be with me, who saw the good in me and cherished and loved those things about me. And then I realized I was wrong about our connection and became apathetic towards dating again.

I’ve joined the dating apps, but people don’t respond. At first I wondered if it was me, and then I remembered that relationships are better when both parties want to be involved.

In a sense it IS me, though, but not in a negative, “something-is-wrong-with-me-and-I-have-to-change” kind of way; it’s in an, “I-am-a-certain-type-of-person-and-finding-my-partner-is-going-to-take-time-so-I-need-to-be-patient-I-don’t-need-to-change-who-I-am” kind of way.

Real talk, y’all. IT IS TRUCKING DIFFICULT.

Especially when you’ve found someone you think could be the next one to sweep you off your feet. Anxiety creeps in. You worry, am I talking too much? Am I talking too little? Am I sounding clingy? Am I too honest?

Sh*t, folks. I am too honest. I have no problem talking about bowel movements (thank you, summers as a whitewater rafting guide). My humor is crude AF. Not to mention that I can be known to curse like a sailor (sorry, Mom).

I think my girliness will naturally come out once I meet that right guy, the one who sees the best in me through the mask I hide behind. The one who calls me on my bullsh*t. The one who wants me to succeed because he only wants the best for me. The one who loves me partially because of my crudeness and bathroom humor. The one who will still kiss me passionately after eating a loaf of garlic bread.

Hey, future lover man, you’re out there, right?

I’m pretty sure he is. There MIGHT even be more than one of him out there. Let’s hope, because I know that I’m not the only woman in the world who is strong, sometimes crude, independent, etc, etc, etc.

I just have to keep reminding myself that HE IS WORTH THE WAIT. And the singleness. And the lack of human/physical interaction (looking at you, cuddles).

With that being said, I AM spending time thinking about what makes me feel feminine so that I can embrace those qualities, feelings, and actions and be less of a dude and more of a badass woman.

I will continue to learn about myself, fall madly in love with who I am, and maybe even learn how to let my guard down and depend on someone else for a change. In fact, the following is posted on my mirror:

“Sometimes, it’s okay to need someone else and accept/seek help.”

If Wonder Woman can find a partner, I can too, right? 😉

Does this resonate with any of you? How have you faced the tiredness/frustration/loneliness of being single? Do you have coping mechanisms that don’t include food? Food has been mine in the past, but I’m learning how to not satiate my emotions with food. I’d love to hear your (anyone of any gender) stories/experiences/ideas/coping techniques!

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